Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
