Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
