please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
