WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
