I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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