I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
