i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
