I just threw up on my dentist
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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