now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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