fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
