No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
