a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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