had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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