I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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