My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize