Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm at about main and main street
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Someone came in the potted fern
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
