Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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