I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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