Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Randomize
