Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
