do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize