you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
