Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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