i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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