can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I will pee on everything he values.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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