He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
