I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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