I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
