sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just high enough for therapy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
