Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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