Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
