Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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