Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
