mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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