remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
