I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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