I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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