My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
