remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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