I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
