That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
