If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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