how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize