just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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