pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
