Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize