You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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