I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
