omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
