I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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