I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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