My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
