Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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