I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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