yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
