just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did we literally take a cab across the street
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
