I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
