His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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