I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
