is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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