im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
