He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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