I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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