Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
