god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize