I can text with my tongue
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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