i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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